


Bad Habits

by kazuakiis



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Seriously these two arent healthy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-09 22:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18926359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kazuakiis/pseuds/kazuakiis
Summary: A short story with Hitori and Kazuaki, about certain problems and troubles. Inspired by a headcanon I saw floating around. T for Dark Themes, Warning for Self Harm (also major Holiday Star Spoilers)This is a repost of an old work. Original publish date: 8/31/2013





	Bad Habits

I'll never forget the day Hitori approached me.

I still remember it clearly. About how for once, I felt a bit of light in my heart. To see a hand stretched out towards me. To be praised, to be reassured, a conversation void of ridicule... It felt like the painful, heavy clamp that closed my heart away suddenly felt a bit lighter. I felt like that maybe, maybe I can trust another, after all. He became my everything, and my life became to please everything I had.

Hitori was so smart and kind... He knew how to talk well, he had a job, and was understanding. He was more understanding than anyone else I could ever meet. I looked up to him. He was trying to help me get better, and smarter... so maybe if I became smarter, and happier, and got a job... maybe Hitori would praise me more. Maybe I'd be able to see one of those sweet smiles on his face that I long to see. I wanted to make Hitori happy.

Of course, he made _me_ happy as well. No matter how much I cry, give up, and hate and hate and hate myself, Hitori always made me feel happy. He made sure I knew I wasn't alone... because Hitori was right there beside me. Although I couldn't smile, or still had tears in my eyes, my heart fluttered and healed a bit more. I depended on him. Just to make him smile again, or maybe soothe my heart with sweet words, or maybe more...

· · ·

“Hitori...!!” The blonde-haired male nervously stepped up to an apartment door, quietly knocking a few times. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His heart was pounding; both from anxiety, and excitement. He held the books that Hitori told him to bring closer to his body, squeezing them slightly. The door opened abruptly, catching Kazuaki by surprise. Hitori stood in the doorway, and Kazuaki looked up to Hitori's eyes meeting his.

Every day, Kazuaki constantly looked forward to their next meeting. Even if it was simply for tutoring, or helping out with Hitori's chores when he's busy with work, Kazuaki found happiness in it. There wasn't anything else in his life to look forward to. Nothing else made him feel the way Hitori did. After being sent home, Kazuaki did so as quick as he could. Once he opened his own apartment's door, he felt alone. The creeping darkness would return to his chest, and the urge to sleep it all off would return. And usually, he did. It was becoming scary to be alone, without someone to support you, and to be with. But, with Hitori, everything was fine... The more he spent time with him, the more Kazuaki wished to never leave.

“Ah, Kazuaki, you're here. Go ahead and place your books over on the table over there, I'll join you in a few seconds.” Hitori said, stepping to the side to let the other in. Kazuaki smiled slightly, and softly and excitedly walked over to the table, placing the books down with a soft thud. _Ah... I'm happy..._ Kazuaki smiled even more to himself. He sat himself down at the table Hitori had signaled to. “Alright,” Hitori spoke, sitting down as well. He took one of the books Kazuaki had brought over and opened it, flipping thought he pages. “So, did you understand my last lesson well?” Hitori flipped to the right page and ran his hand over it.

“Oh, ah-- well...” Kazuaki stuttered. He anxiously thought to himself a bit before nodding. “Y-Yeah, I understood, Hitori.” His eyes flickered to the open pages in front of Hitori. His mind was a bit more fuzzy than usual, but he didn't want to let Hitori down. Hitori gave a small nod.

“Good.” Hitori continued. “Get out the exercise sheet I gave to you. We'll go over that.” A cold draft seemed to pass over Kazuaki at that moment, and he froze stiff. “...Kazuaki?” Hitori asked, straightening up and peering over to his student. A few beads of sweat appeared on Kazuaki's face. He felt like his skin went cold. “Are you okay?” Kazuaki looked up at Hitori's question, his expression frozen with fear. For once, eye contact didn't give off a pleasant feeling.

“I... I...” Kazuaki started. His eyes retreated down to his lap. He could feel his face heating up, and his eyes beginning to ache. “I... d-didn't do it... I f-forgot...” He quietly murmured. A short, but painful pause came from Hitori. Kazuaki felt salty, stinging tears well up in his eyes. He held his breath in, trying to keep them from spilling over. Hitori spoke again.

“...You didn't do your work?” The disappointment in Hitori's voice resounded in his mind, and his tears spilt over against his will. His body began to shake and he bit down harshly on his lower lip. He was supposed to please Hitori. _Now I've done it..._ Hitori sighed and shook his head. “No, don't cry...” He let out quietly. Kazuaki could almost hear him trying to hide his annoyance in him. He knew it. Hitori was upset at him once again. He let down Hitori yet another time. His shoulders shook uncontrollably. He wanted to be comforted and hugged.

Hitori stood up from his chair and shut the book that laid in front of him. Kazuaki couldn't get the guts to look up and see Hitori's face right now. He didn't want to. He was scared of seeing a pair of cruel eyes glowering down at him, just like everyone else who got sick of him. He clamped his eyes shut and more tears ran down his face onto his lap. “You need to act more responsible, Kazuaki...” Hitori continued. There came a hesitant pause from him, before he spoke again. “...I'm tutoring you. You can't just come here without any effort. If you come here to solely to see me, then you're missing the point. I'm here to teach you, right now.” Kazuaki felt as if a lead blanket was thrown over him. His eyes burned. His chest hurt. _I made Hitori mad... I'm pathetic. Why do I have to be such an idiot... I'm so dumb... I hate myself... _Kazuaki hunched over a bit more. He didn't want to take anymore. He just wanted to stay like this, forever. He didn't feel like doing anything at all. He heard a quiet sigh, and a hand was placed on his shoulder. Kazuaki lifted his head slightly and opened his eyes.__

__“Kazuaki...” Hitori spoke quietly and calmly. Kazuaki sucked in his breath and looked up at Hitori's face. His face probably was all red, a mess... “...Go back home. Don't mind it. We can start the new lesson tomorrow.” Kazuaki's lips tried to find words, but he wasn't able to. Regret and self loathing burned in his chest so terribly it was hard to think. He clenched his fists tightly. He didn't want to go... Hitori carefully helped Kazuaki stand back up, and tears rushed to Kazuaki's eyes again. He gently guided Kazuaki out the door, and then reached into his pocket. He took out a clean, white handkerchief. He pulled up Kazuaki's hand and placed it in it. He looked once again at Kazuaki's mussed up face, ridden with tears. “Don't mind, Kazuaki. I'll see you tomorrow.” Hitori stated. He closed the door promptly, afterward._ _

__That was that. He had been kicked out. Hitori had gotten angry at Kazuaki to the point he kicked him out. Yes, that must be it... Kazuaki's body became engulfed in a thick sadness. His breaths became irregular, and his heart raced. His gaze dropped to his shaking legs and feet. _I don't want to go home. I want to be with Hitori. I want to stay with him... Why did I mess up..._ But he knew he couldn't. All he could do is escape to home where he could hide in his cocoon once again._ _

__· · ·_ _

__Every time it happened, it was as if all my happiness had accumulated, and loved, had turned around and inverted itself on me. Everything turned back to how it was. Everyone snickering and sneering at me, laughing at me for breaking into tears at such trivial and small things, and, worst of all, the one I trusted and cared for most looking down at me with annoyed eyes as if I were a troublesome child. I felt like the greatest burden of all. I can't please Hitori. I can't show him anything good about myself. All I do would drag him down. I was utterly useless, just the way I had fist met him. Hitori's just wasting his time on me._ _

_I hate myself. I'm scum._

_Useless. Pathetic. Will never amount to anything. Crybaby. Deserves nothing. Disappointment._

_If Hitori thinks that way as well, then it's all definitely true._

The hatred for myself convulsed and rolled in my stomach, and spread to my mind like a virus. All I felt like I could do was to lay, and cry, and wish to die. Every mistake I made, every disappointment I create, the cycle would repeat all over again. Every single time, the urge to hurt myself became worse and worse.

I never did mean to fall into it. It was like the Gods told me, “Here, now you can easily hate yourself even more.” Created to be convenient to me. It wasn't painful, it didn't make me suffer, it just helped quell what did. It happened again, and again, and I sat and self-loathed in intense guilt every time. My self respect dropped down and it turned into an escape. I never noticed myself being carried away until I realized there were drops of crimson on the handkerchief Hitori had given me.

· · ·

It was another slow day. It was raining outside, and the low hum of the heavy rain filled the whole building, and lulled Kazuaki back into drowsiness. He glanced over at his clock across his futon. It was two hours past noon. Kazuaki yawned, rolled over, and opened himself up for sleep to take him once again. Except, suddenly, he was interrupted by sharp knocks on his door, which slapped him out of his sleepy trance almost instantly.

“Mmn... Who is it...” he murmured to himself. He rubbed his eyes, and drowsily stood up and wobbled his way over towards the door. “Maybe it's another sales person... or a fundraising group... I hope it's not anyone scary... I'll just leave them after checking who it is--”

“Kazuaki. It's me, Hitori. You left a few things at my place last time we met.” Kazuaki froze for a second, his heart beginning to speed up again. Hitori's coming over here? He patted over to the door and peered through the peephole of his apartment door. It certainly was Hitori. He almost began to smile when suddenly a sharp pain raced through his arm when he pushed away from the door. Kazuaki almost felt that his heart would stop from the fear that rushed to him. He backed away from the entrance and looked down at his shirt. It was short sleeve, his more commonly worn DC shirt. It covered up absolutely nothing. Anxiety rushed to his head. “Kazuaki?” He heard Hitori call his name again. His eyes widened, and panic overtook him before he could think properly.

Kazuaki's words came out in weak stutters. “O-Oh, u-uh... Uh... H-Hitori, I-I--”

“I'm coming in, Kazuaki.” Hitori said. Fear arose in Kazuaki again. He had forgotten he had given Hitori a spare key to his apartment room, for sometimes he would forget to bring a key to get himself back in. Those mistakes were always embarrassing... Kazuaki opened his mouth to tell Hitori to stop, but the door in front of him began to open. Scared, Kazuaki quickly threw his arms behind his back. He tried to put on a casual-looking face, but it proved to be a bit difficult. Hitori, confused, looked at Kazuaki's nervous looking face with one of concern.

“Uhh... Kazuaki?” Hitori's eyes glistened with worry. Kazuaki wasn't sure exactly what to do. His eyes flickered from side to side.

“H-Hold on, Hitori, I...” Kazuaki nervously backed out away from Hitori, and slipped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him as quickly as he could. He rustled through the drawers underneath the sink. _Come on, come on... There must be a spare shirt around here somewhere._ Upon shuffling through the last drawer, Kazuaki pulled out a white, long sleeved, collared shirt. It smelled a bit musty, but it'd have to do. He quickly slipped into it and returned outside, where Hitori stood, puzzled.

“...You changed your shirt?” Hitori asked. He put down the plastic bag he was carrying on Kazuaki's coffee table. A look of disbelief and confusion showed clearly on his face. Kazuaki looked down at his own shirt, from the front down to the sleeves.

“I...The other shirt I was wearing was really dirty, and I didn't want you to disgust you with it, th-thats all...” Kazuaki said uneasily. A feeling of dread inched his way into his body. He couldn't look Hitori in the eyes. And he could only hope he didn't notice it. But, it seemed as if Hitori accepted the explanation, as he continued over to his bag, sat down, and pulled out a few items-- a book, a notebook, and... Kazuaki's wallet. Kazuaki's face flushed. What an embarrassing, irresponsible thing to lose... “Th-thank you...” he murmured. “I'm sorry you had to come all the way over here to drop it off.”

“Ah, no, it's no problem.” Hitori said. A small smile was on his face, and Kazuaki's chest felt warm and fuzzy. “I didn't know when you needed it, so I decided it'd be best if I returned it as soon as possible.” Kazuaki smiled. Though he was still embarrassed, happiness warmed his heart comfortably. “Oh,” Hitori continued, bringing his hand up to his chin, “Kazuaki, do you have that handkerchief I gave to you with you?” Kazuaki looked up at Hitori, and nodded confusedly. “I'm sorry, I kinda need it back... It wasn't really something I had intended to give away.” Hitori diverted his gaze away a bit. He seemed a bit embarrassed as well. The warmth in Kazuaki's heart faded away, as his mood flipped.

“S-So it wasn't a gift, after all...” Kazuaki mumbled. He had actually thought it might have been something of Hitori's he could have had to himself. The fact that he had to lose it already was a bit disappointing. It hurt a bit, too...

“Sorry.” Hitori apologized. It was obvious that the other felt bad as well. _I wonder if he saw that I was down...._ He thought, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out the handkerchief, and placed it back into Hitori's hands. Kazuaki adjusted and fiddled with his shirt collar nervously, trying to distract him away from his slight loss. When he looked back at Hitori, his eyes were fixed down at the handkerchief that he had just returned, puzzled. A few seconds passed, and the awkward confusion crept to Kazuaki.

“...Is there something?” Kazuaki asked. He stopped fidgeting with his collar and placed his hand down. Hitori looked up at Kazuaki, and focused his gaze on him for a few seconds. “...U-Uh...”

Hitori shook his head and stood up. “It's nothing. Thank you for returning it.” Hitori said. Without any hesitation, Hitori turned around and walked back towards his door. Confused, and a bit shocked, Kazuaki failed to find any words until Hitori had made it through the doorway, about to close the door and leave.

“Th-thank you for returning my stuff...!” Kazuaki blurted out nervously to the other. Unresponsive, Hitori shut the door, leaving Kazuaki kneeling, alone. He sat there silently for a bit, feeling both empty and awestruck. Incomplete goodbyes always seemed to leave a pit in his stomach. His skin still felt cold from the fear and anxiety he had gotten when Hitori walked in abruptly. Mood sinking, he rubbed his eyes and yawned again. Maybe he should return to sleep...

· · ·

It only became even more and more a problem, too. Everything stacked upon each other. I thought it was making me feel better, but I guess in the way it made me feel even worse, as well. I would hate myself, want to punish myself, and want to die. Of course, I didn't want to do anything painful, pain was terrifying and scary... In the end, I was often left sitting and loathing for hours and hours. Sleeping, wasting time away on my phone, curling up and weeping, and hurting. When bad things would happen, I had no way to cope, and I would find myself returning to the cycle. Eventually, I would get upset simply from crying because I was scared and alone. I wished that Hitori could stay with me forever. And it hurt even more, knowing that it wouldn't happen, ever. I was far too much a burden. All I would do is mess up, and disappoint. An absolutely useless, good for nothing...

I didn't expect myself to get that upset over those sorts of thoughts.

_It hurts._

_It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts..._

_Why does it hurt so much..._

My body filled with fear, as pain pulsed through my body. There was a clatter on the floor, and my hand and body felt like they were turned to stone. Blood suddenly began to trickle from my left arm. A lot more blood than usual. My heart jumped. The thick crimson fell down my forearm, and dripped off my elbow. The pain was incredibly sharp. I could feel it pulsing through my arm, but my mind was in too much shock to care. My arm trembled greatly.

_What do I do... Wh-What do I..._

My mind immediately flew into panic, and screamed Hitori's name. I looked down at my phone, which laid right beside me. I didn't want to tell Hitori. I really didn't. I was so scared. _What do I do... What do I do...!?_ My free hand unconsciously went over and shakily dialed the speed dial for Hitori's phone. My head span and my stomach tied itself in knots as the connecting tone played, waiting for Hitori to pick up. _...What if he doesn't pick up?_ My mind began to worry. _What if he's decides not to help, even if he does hear me? What if--_ My wandering, buzzing thoughts were suddenly interrupted with a beep from my phone.

“Hello?” It was Hitori. I never felt so relieved yet terrified of such an outcome before. I bent over closer to the phone speaker, arm still shaking. The bleeding hadn't slowed down one bit.

“H-H-Hit-tori...”

“Kazuaki? Are you alright? You're stuttering...”

“P-Please h-help, w-what d-do I do...”

“Kazuaki? What's going on??”

“I-I'm bleeding, I-I'm b-bleeding a l-lot, I'm scared, it hurts, it h-hurts a lot...!”

“... Hold on, I'll call the ambulance. Sit tight... It'll be okay...”

“H-Hitori...!”

. . .

What happened afterward wasn't so clear... I think I might have passed out after a while from fear, or blood loss. But I still remember his voice. I haven't heard Hitori sound so scared... Worry engulfed every word he spoke. I felt terribly guilty. When I had regained consciousness, I found myself awoken in the hospital, with bandages around my arms and an IV connected to me. A dark pit had formed in my stomach... They saw them. They saw how stupid I was. I felt like crying. I wanted to see Hitori, but at the same time I wanted to run. I didn't want to face this. He didn't want Hitori to look at him, to see what he did... Was it a good decision to call Hitori in the first place..?

· · ·

The door to Kazuaki's room was swung open violently. Kazuaki cringed. He peered over to his side, and saw a black haired man rushing hurriedly towards him. Worry plagued his face. He looked angry, and the sight scared Kazuaki.

“They finally let me in to your room.” Hitori said. He sounded both physically and mentally exhausted. Seeing Hitori like that filled Kazuaki's body with guilt, and shame. Kazuaki retreated his eyes to his lap, embarrassed. “Kazuaki, tell me, what happe--” Hitori's footsteps stopped abruptly by his bed, and he could tell that he was inspecting him. “...Your arms?” Hitori let out. The rest of the energy was drained out of his voice. He let out a painful sounding sigh, and brought his palm to his forehead. “I... I thought it might have been something like this.” He murmured. Kazuaki bit his lower lip. He wanted to die. This is so shameful, he's an idiot, and now he's dragging Hitori down even more. The feeling felt even worse than usual. He wanted to disappear.

He wanted to disappear all the way until he was discharged from the hospital. He wished he didn't mess up. He wished the habit never was formed. He wished he never was born. He missed Hitori, but he wanted to hide forever. So he wouldn't burden anyone anymore, so he wouldn't burden Hitori anymore... He could see the annoyance on the all the nurses' faces that they had to deal with someone like him. Kazuaki unlocked the door to his apartment, walked in, and closed it behind him carelessly. He trudged over and knelt down on his futon. He tugged up his sleeves on his arms to reveal carefully wrapped bandages. The hospital had told him to keep them on for a while, until they healed. _I don't care._ Tears welled up in Kazuaki's eyes. _I don't care, I don't need them._ He undid the clip holding the bandages together on his right arm, tears falling down his face. He tugged them loose, unwrapped his arm, and let the bandages fall on the floor by his legs, and his bare, cut up arm was exposed. _I'm stupid. I'm pathetic. I don't care anymore..._ His arms trembled, and hiccups began to accompany his tears.

“Kazuaki.” The voice jolted his heart up from the painful darkness a bit. His body went numb. He slowly turned his head around to see Hitori standing in his doorway, looking down at him. _Oh right... I didn't lock the door..._ Hitori shut the door gently and quietly, and walked over to Kazuaki, who's tearful hiccups continued pathetically. He knelt down next to Kazuaki, and picked up the bandages that laid on the ground. “You know, the hospital told you to keep these on, It'd be best if you did...” He said quietly. He reached over, gently took Kazuaki's hand, and pulled it down in front of him, palm up. Kazuaki's heart began to beat painfully. _N-No, he can s-see them clearly..._ Tears continued to drip down his cheeks. Hitori made a sad face, and Kazuaki's chest burned painfully at the sight of it. Hitori began to carefully wrap his arm back up with the bandages. A few moments of silence passed, and Kazuaki's tears began to cease.

“...You know,” Hitori spoke, breaking the aching silence, “I would slap you.” Kazuaki's eyes began to fill with tears again. He knew what he did was wrong, but it still hurt. “...But you know I don't have the heart to do that to you, when you're like this.” Hitori's face had a look of distraught on it. “You should know this stuff is bad. Don't do it again.” Hitori finished the sentence with a small glare into Kazuaki's. Kazuaki whimpered a bit.

“I-I'm s-sorry...” Kazuaki said. His head dropped and hung down. “I-I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, I'm s-so so-sorry...” His tears overflowed yet again and dripped off his face onto the floor. “I-It w-was s-scary... I w-was so s-scared...” Kazuaki's face pulled back into one a sobbing face. His hiccups were joined in by sniffles.

“Good.” Hitori replied. “Then don't do it again.” Hitori finished wrapping Kazuaki's arm, and fastened the clip in place. Hitori placed his hand on Kazuaki's forearm. “Don't do any of this, ever again.” Kazuaki's chest tightened and sobs escaped his mouth, and he cried even more.

“I-I'll try...” Kazuaki said. His voice was suppressed and quiet. “I-I d-don't want to l-let you down anymore... E-Ever again...” Kazuaki closed his burning eyes. His shaking chest made it difficult to breathe. He felt like he was drowning in shame. Hitori gently put his hand against Kazuaki's head, and ran his fingers through his blonde hair comfortingly.

“Good.” Hitori's voice had lowered to a comforting murmur. _Maybe, just maybe it would be okay if this lasted forever..._ Kazuaki closed his fists tightly. His tears refused to stop, and his body refused to stop shaking. Hitori's hand gently came down from Kazuaki's head onto his back.

And he pulled Kazuaki into a comforting embrace that Kazuaki had once dreamed of.


End file.
